The following piece was written the fall of 2009. Much has taken place over the last 5 years; the journey has been painful, yet rich in blessings. We have been enrolled in God’s school of waiting, and in that school He has taught us much! Join each week and walk this journey with me.
We live on a very busy road. Morning after morning I sit in my chair in the corner of our bedroom listening to the cars rushing down the road. All types of people making their way to work or to doctor appointments at the hospital around the corner. Some are mothers delivering children to school. But all, going somewhere and often going too fast, always in a hurry. I sit listening to the traffic and so often feel that the world is passing us by. We are here in this house waiting on God.
It has been two and a half years since my husband and I felt the Lord asking us to step down from our position on our church staff. I never would have dreamed we would be where we are today, waiting! Our goal after we stepped down was to get a job. Like many who race down our street each morning, we wanted to be one of them. So, when the first ministry job offer came a month later, we took it. No waiting! After all, when you are waiting you are inactive and unproductive, right? It is very similar to a visit to the doctor’s office. You arrive on time, paper work complete, thinking, I’ll get right in. Do you? Rarely! Instead, you sit and wait, just to have the nurse call your name and escort you to a smaller room, where you wait even longer. While you are waiting you look around the room at all the other people. What are they doing? Are they being productive or accomplishing anything? Usually not, they are just sitting and waiting.
Well, that is the way of the world; I have found God’s way to be quite different. At times over these many months of waiting I have thought that I was being unproductive and inactive. I am certain it has appeared that way to those who have been watching. But, all the while God has been at work accomplishing His good pleasure. Outwardly it may have seemed that I was just sitting in my corner chair, but on the inside God was actively at work.
Every morning the people racing up and down our street have a plan, a destination. I would venture to say most know where they are going and why they are going there. Being one of them, we left our position knowing, planning exactly where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do. My husband’s only plan was to get a job. So, like I said, we took the first job to come along. That was a mistake; we raced ahead of the Lord.
Not long ago a young man was racing too fast down our rain slick street and lost control, plowing through our front yard. His car landed in the neighbor’s yard with the headlights beaming into our bedroom. Our decision to take the first job and not wait on the Lord was much like that young man who ended up in our neighbor’s yard. He was driving too fast to get where he wanted to be. Realizing we made a mistake, racing toward our destination, we resigned after four weeks. At that point, I can tell you that my plan was quite different from what was to take place over the coming months. God obviously did not understand my plan.
Shortly after Mark returned home after resigning, he went in for his yearly physical. For some time Mark had noticed his balance was not quite right. He was diagnosed with a condition that is rare for his age. It affects his balance and will over time affect his speech. Due to this diagnosis and his exhaustion from the last four very challenging and stressful years of ministry, he fell into what the doctors called a clinical depression. The following eight months were some of the darkest and loneliest we have ever experienced. This fall we have had weeks of rain, many mornings waking to a very dark house due to the low hanging clouds and rain. Gloomy, gloomy, gloomy! Those eight months were much like these rainy fall days. Mark and I both struggled to see God in it. We wondered how we had gotten to this place. Mark had never been depressed a day in his life and now he found himself struggling to get through each day. I was without the strong husband I had always depended on. He was my rock, the one I leaned on. Now the one I had leaned on was leaning hard on me.
Mark reminded me of my girls when they were little, following me around, depending on me for everything. It was a dark time, very dark for both of us. We questioned, why was God allowing this in our lives? What good was going to come from this? Didn’t God know we needed Mark healthy so he could work and provide? Didn’t God know this was embarrassing? Christians are not supposed to suffer with depression, at least that is what we thought before it happened to us. We found ourselves broken before our God and needing Him more than ever. Over time the Lord brought healing and he delivered Mark from depression.
So, we set out to accomplish our plan once again. It was on to the secular work force; who had time to wait on God? We had been without a paycheck for a year; we needed to get back in the race and be one of them. After all, our money was getting low and panic was beginning to set in. Being inactive and unproductive was not in our genetic makeup, and I guess waiting wasn’t either. So, we pressed forward into the secular market.
Prior to entering the ministry, Mark had been in the Insurance and Investment world for 21 years. We would just go back; that is what I wanted to do, go back! After all, those were good days back in the land of Egypt. We were well fed, had a good salary, a wonderful insurance package, and those yearly trips were incredible! Let’s go back! Can I just tell you that God’s plan is not for His children to go back? Once He has taken you out of Egypt, you are not to return. Door after door closed. Licensing test after licensing test he failed and by just a few points. In years past he had been licensed in several states and had taken numerous qualifying tests, passing them all. But, not this time.
My greatest fears were coming true; we were getting low on money. Mark was without a job, his condition prevalent, our home was on the market, and my security was being stripped away little by little. Questions plagued me: what if the house sold? Where would we go? What were we to do? God, what are you up to? Why?
The house did sale in just eight weeks and we found ourselves preparing for a move with three weeks to find a place to live. Without a job we would not qualify for a loan to purchase a home. Here we were in a place we had never been before, a place of total dependence on God. Before we stepped down from our position on our church staff, I would have said, I have faith in God; I am totally dependent on Him. I would have told you, I trust God completely and my security is in Him. Looking back, I can see that God knew my heart. Having a husband with a medical condition and being without a paycheck, a home, and a job, I was stripped of all I had relied on. My Heavenly Father was bringing me to a place of testing and trial to reveal what was in my heart. The question was, would I trust him in a way I had never trusted Him before? During those days our prayers were prayers of desperation; He had brought us to this place to show us what was in our hearts. Would we truly believe Him to be our faithful God and our provider?
Just a few days after our home sold, God led us to the rental home we are now living in on this very busy street. It is here in this home, morning after morning, I sit in my corner chair listening to the cars rushing by and listening even more intently for that still small voice to say, “This is the way, walk ye in it.” Until then, I wait.
It is here, that although I appear on the outside to be sitting still, on the inside God is doing His tremendous work. I have not been inactive or unproductive, like when I am sitting in my doctor’s office. Rather, I have been in my Father’s school of waiting where He accomplishes much in the heart and life of those He loves. It is here in this chair each morning, listening to the world go by that He speaks to me and draws me to Himself. It is here that He tells me I am his own and how much He loves me. He has shown me that he will never leave me or forsake me and that He has a plan for my life. He has revealed to me that no plan of His can be thwarted or stopped, and that he always accomplishes His good pleasure. As my great shepherd He is going ahead of me to prepare a way, and when He is ready He will open a door for us.
Father, help me to wait on You, to trust You to work Your good and perfect plan for my life. Help me to keep my eyes on You and to know You love me and want only the best for me. Teach me daily; as I sit here in this chair, listening to the world go by. Lord, help me to be content in the waiting.
“For from of old they have not heard nor perceived by ear, neither has the eye seen a God besides You, who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him.” So, each morning I sit in my corner chair waiting. I am not concerned that the world is passing me by because I know that my Father has given me a promise. Patiently I wait with great anticipation and expectation on the One who has promised to act on our behalf. Isaiah 64:4
dianne