When I was teenager, there was a popular little illustration that floated around as a way to encourage us toward purity and saving ourselves for marriage. We were told we were like roses, and every time we did something sexually impure, it was like subjecting a rose petal to injury—like passing a rose around a circle of people over and over again. Over time, the rose would wither, petals would begin to look used, or worse, petals may fall off. The illustration was meant to make us ponder if we wanted to be like that rose. By the time we finally met our spouses, wouldn’t we want to offer them all of ourselves—our whole, untarnished selves? Wouldn’t we want that kind of intimacy?
I understand the sentiment behind this illustration, and I admit it made an impact on me. Who wants to enter marriage as a wrinkled up rose with missing petals?
But the illustration has holes in it. It wants to shame us into purity, rather than face us toward God and let a glimpse of His glory motivate us. It also tends to leave out the power of renewal and the power of forgiveness from past sins. One of the biggest ways it falls short is that it sets up a false expectation. It can make us forget that even if our virginity is intact all the way up until the wedding night, we will not be exempt from the transforming power of marriage. An earthly marriage is always a marriage of sinners, and marriage is the first step in one of the most intimate unveilings of a lifetime. You will unveil glory. You will unveil sin. But with everything that’s uncovered comes a covering of grace.
The marriage union testifies to Christ and the Church. God does not declare you one flesh with your children. He declares you one flesh with your spouse. God has designed physical intimacy for the context of marriage—the context of greater intimacy.
When there is physical intimacy, there is a unique opportunity for intimacy on all levels. God’s design is one man for one woman, and it includes a sanctifying process. Marriage is an opportunity for deep and glorious sanctification, but it is not automatic. We have to be willing to subject ourselves to each other.
I want to urge my children towards purity. I will not mince words one day when we discuss the implications of saving yourself for marriage, however, I want to point ultimately to glory, not to shame. I want them to understand first that marriage is loyalty for a lifetime and loyalty involving your mind, your body, and your soul. Marriage is not an end unto itself. We do not save ourselves in order to avoid a mess. We save ourselves because God said it should be so, and because a physical union as strong as sex needs the context of marriage. It needs whole person unity, not just physical unity. When you have sex outside of marriage you say, “I’ll give you my physical self, but the rest is mine.” When you wait for marriage to give yourself physically, you are saying, “I give you my body, along with the rest of me.”
For me, getting married was like getting a new appendage! Is that weird to say? My husband’s participation in my life is as significant as a tangible, physical part of myself! We have begun to see why God makes such sweeping, profound declarations about the unity between husband and wife. I wish I could say every day is a beautiful flower, growing and being watered, with all the weeds pulled up as they should be, and no thorns to speak of. But to be husband and wife is to be human together, and we are still in the process of being sanctified. We have walked through joys and trudged through storms. I know our marriage is built on a Rock because I’ve seen the weight of the sanctifying debris. The foundation would have cracked had it been anything other than Jesus.
God’s design for intimacy in marriage is clear. When we embrace it, we embrace His created order. And when we surrender our bodies and our marriages to Christ, we surrender ourselves to true unity.
Indeed, sex is perhaps the most powerful, God-created way to help you give your entire self to another human being. Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, “I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you. You must not use sex to say anything less. -Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
