It was a bitter cold January day and I was headed out that afternoon to drive three hours home to celebrate my mom’s birthday, her first since my dad died eight months earlier. The trunk was loaded, I had a few more things to get done, and then I’d be on my way. I wanted to make sure Mark had dinner, at least for the first night, so it was worth it to me to leave a few minutes later, in order to prepare his meal.
Before leaving, I double checked my list: the trash can was out for pick up the next morning, I had straightened the house, I left Mark a note on his pillow to be found that night when he went to bed and his dinner was sitting on the stove complete with written directions. Check! I could load my snacks into the front seat, close the trunk and be on my way, only 15 minutes later than I intended- not too bad!
Did I say, I needed to close the trunk and did I also say it was bitter cold? I walked to the back of the car to close the trunk, gave it a one-handed push downward and right back up it went. So, I tried again. I could hear metal against metal; no matter what I did, it would not close. So, what to do? Pray!! So I prayed. “Lord, you know I need to go and you know it is so very cold, I am freezing out here. If I don’t get on my way, it will be dark and I don’t want to be driving in the dark on this bitter cold night with a 14 year old car. Help me, please Lord.” After praying, I pushed hard and it bounced right back up. I got a hammer; thinking that if I could hammer the bottom ring it would put the latch and the ring in alignment, certainly then it would close. When we moved into the rental home in August, we were not thinking about the gloves and scarves we might possibly need in January; now packed away in one of the many boxes lining the garage wall. I was wishing we had had the foresight to think about the bitter cold winter that possibly lay ahead. But, we did not, so my hands were numb from the bitter cold.
I am typically a very patient person, but the clock was working against me. I was beginning to get very frustrated with the trunk. Mark had gone to meet a friend needing help with some very serious issues in his life. Therefore, I didn’t feel I could ask him to come home. I did call and tell him what was going on and asked if he had any ideas. He and his friend came up with one- which did not work! So, I thanked him and hung up the phone, and then I began to cry, well okay— sob! I went inside and began to walk circles through the house, one room then another- sobbing as I went. I was telling the Lord how sick and tired I was of my circumstances, sick and tired of no job, no home and old cars, just sick and tired!
After 10 minutes of ugly sobbing, I saw my neighbor’s garage door go up. Oh good I thought, “Ike can fix it- he’s a handy man.” I dried my tears, wiped my eyes, blew my nose and out the door I went. As soon as Ike opened his car door, I called to him. He came over, looked at the trunk latch; cleared all the ice from the stripping at the top of the trunk lid and pushed hard- up it popped. So we started the car, tried the automatic opener on the key chain, then the key- nothing worked. It was now 2 p.m. and an hour after I was to leave. Ike apologized for not being able to help and headed back across the street.
I re-entered the house and picked up where I had left off, only with much more passion, anger, frustration and very intense sobbing. Then I heard a knock on the door, Ike had recruited a neighbor to help. He was a young man who was always working on his own cars, so maybe he could figure it out. Did I say it was bitter cold? He and Ike worked for 15 minutes, and because my hopes were increased, I took everything out of the trunk, just in case. If they got the trunk to close, I was not about to open it back up upon arriving at my destination. The clothes, suitcase and all of my belongings could go in the back seat! Finally, the young man needed to leave to pick up his children from school; the trunk still in the upright position. By this time it was two hours later, Mark was still not home and the trip would have to be postponed till the next day.
Right back into the house I went- sobbing! I contemplated calling my daughters, then several of my friends; I was losing it and desperately needed someone to pray for me. I can remember saying out loud, “I have no one to talk to.” I sensed the Lord’s gentle voice say, “You have Me.” But, I ignored His voice. There just had to be someone I could call. So, I settled on one friend, I picked up the phone and dialed. As I was dialing, I had the thought that this friend was going to feel as if she needed to offer me her car and I didn’t want that. So, I quickly hung up the phone. This particular friend has such a giving heart, but all I needed was for someone to listen and pray for me. I also needed for the trunk on my car to close! I sobbed some more!
As I was walking through the house telling the Lord how tired I was of my life, tired of this life of faith – I was sick and tired of no job, no home of my own, old cars, Mark’s physical challenges due to his condition and a trunk that would not close. The anger spilled out. My voice was filled with anger; I was amazed at what was in my heart. I distinctly remember as I was walking by the washer and dryer in the kitchen hearing the Lord’s gentle voice say to me, “Go ahead and get it out. Just get it out. I love you.”
Lord, how can you love me after the way I have acted, after the huge fit I have thrown? You love me? My phone rang and it was my friend, she had noticed that I’d called and was returning my call. Sure enough, she offered her car, I declined. There was much more going on here than a broken car trunk. I told her I just needed her to pray for me. We talked and she promised to pray. As I hung up, Mark arrived home. We sat and talked- I cried and told him about my ranting and raving and what I’d said to the Lord. He asked me, “So, what did God say to all of that?” I proceeded to tell him that in the midst of my fit I could sense that God was being quiet and once I calmed down a little, He had the opportunity to speak. He said, “Go ahead and get it out. Just get it out. I love you.”
I felt much better after talking it through with him. Mark has a deep faith and trust in the Lord and he has a way of putting things into perspective- making me feel better. I brought all my belongings back into the house and prepared the dinner left for Mark earlier that day. Later that night, I was on the computer and noticed an e-mail my brother had sent. In the email he said that he was 53 years old and was just now realizing how much God loved him and that God’s love for him was unconditional. I wrote him back and said that I am living proof God loves us and that His love is unconditional. Any other parent would have inflicted major punishment on their child for throwing such a gigantic fit, but not my Abba. Instead He said, “Go ahead, just go ahead and get it out. I know what is in your heart, I know how you are feeling about this journey I have you on. Go ahead, just go ahead. I love you, I love you anyway!” I thought about the woman at the well, her sin and how much Jesus loved her. He looked beyond her sin and loved her. He looked beyond her nationality, beyond tradition, beyond what others might think; He desired to heal her, to save her, to deliver her, to accomplish His good pleasure in her life; My Abba Father desires the same for me because He loves me!
Father, thank you for a husband who loves you, loves me, and has such deep insight into spiritual things! Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I, like the woman at the well have been loved and accepted by my Heavenly father. You continually look beyond my sin to what I will be! Father, You allow all things for our good and so that your glory might be exhibited. Your purposes will prevail!
Psalm 145:13, “The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all he has made.”
Isaiah 46:9-10, “For I am God, and there is no other, I am God and there is no one like Me. My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure.”
dianne