This piece was written three years ago, the spring of 2009. The Father has brought me far on this journey since the spring I penned these words. Oh, the pain i
s still there but I am not alone in it. My Abba has given deep blessings in the midst of my pain and for that I am grateful!
While in Nashville recently for my grandmother’s 90th birthday and to celebrate Mother’s Day, I awoke during the night. Several times during this journey that we’ve been on these last few months, I have awakened at night to spend time talking with the Lord, quoting His Word, and listening as He spoke to me revealing new truths. As I lay there, I began to think about pain, and my mind went back to a scene the night before. Our grandsons were wrestling on the floor with my brother when the two boys banged heads. The younger one, Jake, began to cry and call for his mommy. We tried to console him, but only his mommy would do. So, I carried him to his mommy who kissed his head and asked if he was alright. With a smile and a laugh, he jumped out of my lap and said, “I go play with Will.” All was better because of mommy’s kiss. Oh, that all the pain in our lives would disappear with a mommy’s kiss!
Lying there, I thought about the people gathered the night before—my dad, recently diagnosed with yet his third type of cancer and a blockage in his kidney, who unlike his usual social self, sat dozing in his chair due to the pain medication and chemotherapy; and my mom sharing his pain as she walks alongside him. Then my older sister carrying the pain of having given her baby up for adoption only to have him reject her. My younger sister bearing the hurt of a recent divorce and raising two teenagers alone and my great aunt and uncle whose son went astray. My daughter Angela bearing the loss of a miscarriage. And, there were others gathered in that room carrying their own version of pain—with some it was obvious, with others it was hidden.
Over these months, Mark and I each have carried our own pain which those around us would not have known. It was hidden, just like the pain of my friend, who had to deliver her full-term baby boy who had died in the womb. She had carried him for nine months, viewed his ultrasound pictures, heard his heart beat, felt his kicks, only to hear the doctor say on that final week, “There is no heart beat, your baby is dead.” And now, her pain is hidden deep within her.
And so it has been with my pain. At times, I have felt as though I would throw up at the intensity of it- feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest and I could not breathe. It is so very painful to watch your strong, healthy husband, once a runner and golfer, struggle to walk a straight line after his diagnosis of a rare medical condition. Everything that was once easy is now hard. Every step requires thought. Then, there is also the pain he carries as the head of our home with the responsibility of providing, and yet door after door has closed while no job has materialized. Perhaps the deepest pain of all results from those things he cannot do with his grandchildren. As he watched my brother play with his grandsons that night, I knew his pain was deep; yet he kept it hidden.
As I lay there in the dark, I began to think about the Father’s pain in watching His Son suffer on the cross and the ultimate pain the Son had to suffer in order that I might be forgiven. In Mark 14:36, we see that the Son of God did not want to suffer this pain, “And He was saying, “Abba Father! All things are possible for you; remove this cup from
me. . .” But, the pain he was going to suffer was necessary to accomplish the Father’s plan for His children. In our humanity, we do not want to suffer, yet it is essential for the Father’s work in our lives. I would like to tell you that day by day I have faithfully received the pain the Father has allowed, but truthfully, I have often resisted it and sometimes even resented it. But, the Father has loved me and been patient with me. I have now come to the place of receiving it.
While the pain the Father has allowed is often hidden from those around us, it is never hidden from Him. Who among us would not prefer to go through life untouched by pain; perhaps some do. But, for most of us, pain has come or will come. If we receive it, God will teach us much through it. I would not take anything for what I have learned as He has revealed His deep love for me in the midst of this pain. Like Jake, who only wanted his mommy to love and console him, my pain has caused me to run to my Abba where I have been loved and comforted. He has taught me to trust Him in the midst of it all.
Psalm 9:9-10, “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name can trust in you, for You, Lord , have never forsaken those who seek You.”
Revelation 21:4 tells us that one day, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and there will no longer be any more mourning or crying or pain.”
So, what will you do with your pain? Will you resist it? Will you resent it? Or, will you receive it? Will you follow Jesus’ example and say with Him, “Yet not what I will, but what you will.”? The decision is yours!
dianne