have a friend, who said, “There are just times when you get on the other side of yourself, and you just can’t help it!” I’d been working on writing a curriculum book and was a few days past the publisher’s deadline. Up several nights over a ten day period, I was nearing the end and ready to push that little button I’ve come to love, SEND! One more look at my references and footnotes to make sure I’d documented everything and I’d be finished. As I went back and forth between the book and the references, I pushed SAVE, just to make sure it would be safely kept, a box popped on the screen giving me three options. Not reading anything below the first option, which read Replace existing file, I clicked it. “Gone! My book is gone,” I frantically said to my husband who was seated in his chair preparing to listen to the final speech of the Republican Convention. He responded, “It’s not gone, it’s there somewhere. If you saved it, then it’s there somewhere.” I was frantically looking for the somewhere. Then it happened. Tears began to flow and I found myself, not only on the other side of myself, but on the other side, of the other side, of the other side of myself! By this time my husband had wisely abandoned the Republican Convention and was standing at my side.
Tears turned to sobbing, to wailing, to ugly woman. All of a sudden I was ranting and raving, asking God why He let this happen. Why did He call me to write this? Over and over again, I was saying, “I can’t do this again. I can’t do this again.” My husband was wisely standing and watching silently. I’m certain wondering what happened to the woman he married. I continued, “That was so stupid, why did I push that button?” Then he said repeated, “Dianne, you haven’t lost it. It’s there somewhere.” More ugly woman! For 30 minutes I went on like this. Pulling my glasses off, wiping away the continual flow of tears, putting them on, just to pull them off again. Every once in a while I’d breath a prayer for God to help me find the book. “God, help me.” My husband once again standing and watching silently, not knowing what to say or do. Frankly, I was so far on the other side, of the other side, of the other side of myself, I didn’t want his advice; just let me wail!
I began to think, who can help me? Obviously, I only know enough about computers to get into trouble! I needed an expert. I texted a friend whose husband knew a lot about computers asking if they could help, also wanting her to know that it would be best if she called due to the fact that I was in ugly woman mode! At that moment I was grateful for texting, it was the only way I could communicate and be understood. She called right away and said he was tied up, but would call me shortly. I thanked her and hung up the phone. As I sat there recovering from my ugly woman I distinctly remember hearing a gentle voice say, “Dianne that was not stupid, it was human. Everyone makes mistakes. It is going to be okay.”
The phone rang, I answered to hear a soothing voice on the other end. I began to calm myself and for the first time since pushing, replace existing file, I felt there was hope of finding the book. He walked me through the process, but no book. I began reading him a list on the screen that popped up as a result of a button he asked me to push. I got to the word CARBONITE and he said, “Dianne, you have CARBONITE? That’s a backup system. On their advertising they guarantee that they can retrieve any of your files. Call them and then call me back and let me know what they say.” Praise the Lord, help was on the way! I began to feel somewhat better, at least ugly woman was gone!
Finding their number, I dialed just to discover that their help line was closed. I’d have to wait till morning. First thing the next morning I called Carbonite. As I was dialing, my husband informed me that our internet was down. No problem, that wouldn’t interfere with getting the book file back. I waited and waited, listening to the gentle female voice apologizing for the wait and promising that it wouldn’t be much longer. For twenty-five minutes she repeated her message and then a voice – a live voice! The technician began to walk me through the process saying, “Now go to your internet.” I informed her that ours was down. She let me know that without the internet she’d done all she could do. I’d have to call back after our internet was reconnected. Ten minutes later, after Mark’s wait with Comcast, it was up and running. I dialed once again only to be reminded by the sweet female voice that the wait would not be long. Twenty-five minutes later, with my second technician, we were a fourth of the way through the retrieving process when my cell phone went dead! I was about to return to ugly woman!
At that point, I took phone and computer to the chair close to the window, hoping that would help with the cell phone coverage. As I was moving places, I began to pray for the right person, one equipped to help me retrieve the book. I dialed, waited, and listened to the promise of help to come, and then it came – Shawn, from Maine! I explained once again what had happened and he assured me we’d be able to get the book back. After thirty minutes and Shawn taking control of my computer from Maine, I had it back! No more ugly woman!
As I thought back on my behavior the night before, I wondered who that woman was. Is she lying there dormant waiting to come out when the least unexpected thing happens, something totally out of her control? I saw a side to myself that I was unaware of. I was tempted to make excuses, like nights without sleep, stress, or the pressure of a deadline. No excuses! I had allowed my emotions to carry me to the other side, of the other side, of the other side of myself, to theugly woman side!
Father, thank you that even in the midst of ugly woman mode, You love me, care about me, and answer my prayers. With a loving gentle reprimand, You have reminded me that I’m not to allow my emotions to control my behavior. Your desire is for your Holy Spirit to control every aspect of my being. Getting to the other side, of the other side, of the other side of myself is far away from You. I am grateful for your continual, unconditional love of this flawed woman!
“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit of God who dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not his.” Romans 8:5and 9
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Galatians 5:22 NKJV